haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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