i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
