Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
