He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
