nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
