I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
