My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize