um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
