FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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