I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
