i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
