My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
wow bdsm is so cute
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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