I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
