i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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