She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
