mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I love having hate sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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