it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
