Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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