I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
