I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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