i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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