I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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