I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
