I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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