you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
