We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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