I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
