I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
