what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wish my penis had a tongue
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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