I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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