you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
