I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
