I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize