Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
