Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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