A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
