i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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