she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
