And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
