my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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