Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
