I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
