I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
