My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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