just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
