I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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