I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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