I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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