??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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