I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
