i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
