I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
