If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize