Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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