God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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