Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
