Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
